Hello and welcome. I’m Ana Cortez from ACME NEWS. Today, we’re sitting with Death in her penthouse living room in New York City where she often stays between gigs. If you’ve not met Death, you are in for a treat. Death has a history of being misunderstood for much of her life. In fact, she didn’t understand a lot about her own existence until the Deathlist was published and now, she’s much more relaxed and has time for interviews. Like today’s.
By the way, for you radio listeners, Death is wearing a très chic just-last-week’s Paris collection torn jean look with gold spike heels, a Vera Wang backless top, a John Hardy necklace and bracelet, and a Chanel scarf. Her hair is pinned up in an elegant chignon with not-so-tiny diamonds nestled throughout, sparkling against the camera lights.
Ana: How are you today, Death? You look amazing. As usual.
Death: Thank you so much, I’m fine. And I’m glad to have a few days off.
Ana: Days off? What happens to the souls you’re supposed to pick up today?
Death: I have assistants that help out. We’ve always had a team, of course, but I have to say some of the younger collectors are in too much of a hurry.
Ana: What do you mean?
Death: I try to help people at the end of their lives. I like to give them a chance to ponder their existence, revisit their purpose, and hopefully forgive themselves.
Ana: Who knew? You don’t take people’s lives then.
Death: No. I don’t. They’re already out of the earthly, mortal plane when I arrive. I’m the go-between.
Ana: So, who sends them to their eternity?
Death: That’s another department entirely. And people’s sins are tallied in the Sin Almagamator Department for that.
Ana: Um… Oh. Gee.
Death: Don’t worry. I’m sure you’re fine.
Ana: Uh… Well. Let’s talk about the Deathlist. What was that exactly?
Death: Everyone on the Earth has a designated time when they’re born. God makes sure they’re here when they’re supposed to be. [Death sweeps her arms around the apartment and out to the amazing view of New York.] Then, they have to have a time when they die, of course. The Deathlist is a big database where all that is recorded. We decided people shouldn’t know when they’ll die ahead of time. Although we’re still open to opinions.
Death: Yes. If you’d like to take the survey, it’s here.
Ana: Oh. Great. I’ll do that. And our listeners can too! But I’m not sure if I want to know.
Death: Yes. Yes. Everyone has a different thought on that. It’s very personal. We get that. But, I’m afraid I have to go.
Ana: So soon?
Death: Yes. I’m very sorry. But I have to collect some souls now. There’s a terrible war going on in Ukraine, and we just didn’t put enough collectors on for today. Thanks so much for putting me on the air.
Ana: We’ll do this again! Thanks for coming on our show, Death. And listeners, would you like to know when you’re going to die? Take the survey and be sure to read Deathlist. Until then, signing off from ACME NEWS.
Ana: That’s a wrap.
Ana to self: I probably better scoot to confession.